How could I really marry someone so scum, someone that chastised, condemned and berated me, why did I not leave his hell of a marriage.  Or was it really marriage? I’m not actually sure it was anymore. Why did I stay till there was nothing left of me.

 

I was raised to be a strong women, but yet I allowed myself to be treated so badly by him, by this scum of a human being, who has no morals only to think about how he can get the most for himself out of every situation for himself. I guess unfortunately, the world has many people like this. But to treat your own wife so terribly, if you can't even treat your own wife better that a  stray dog on the side of the road, what hope can any type of relationship have.

 

Why did I not leave him? Why did I let him treat me like this? And still do?

 

I guess he can be glad that just like everything else in life he will achieve in our divorce, he will get the most money he can say to his selfish father, look I managed to walk away with everything, I took everything from her, I stole her sole, sucked the life out of her and then took every bit of money I could too just to completely leave her with absolutely nothing, trained of everything.

 

 

His father is who was kind enough to not even bother to return my emails, but instead to leave my belongs on my parents front law in garbage bags.

This man will be so proud of his amazing son on this brilliant achievement.

 

That his son, will  follows in his own foot steps to never be thoughtful or actually considered anyone else’s needs but there’s. The type of person that goes to a party and has everyone else buy him drinks all night and then comes home to say look I have all this money, because I didn’t have to spend a dime, I had everyone else to buy me rounds of drinks all night.

 

Least I no longer live with this person.

 

What did my marriage to him teach me? That I shouldn’t give, he is a selfish person and I hope he finds someone that is as selfish as him because no one else disserves to suffer they way I have.

 

What did I want in a marriage, I wanted a someone kind, someone supportive and who could offer patience when times were tuff, someone who cared and sometimes understood that my needs are important too. And while I felt that I married my Best friend, somehow I ended up married to my worst enemy.

 

This person who I supported, while he did everything while he did his MBA at Oxford, someone that I finically and mentally supported while he took 18 months to find a job after the MBA. Someone that when he hit his head and became this monster I took him food to him each morning and night in hospital so he that we would always have something gluten free that he could eat each day.

 

Some days I feel robbed, where is the amazing man that I married my true love. How can this person no longer exist.

 

And why do I let him belittle me? Why is it me always forgiving him? Why am I accepting of his selfish behaviour?

 

I let him take everything, till there was nothing left of me, I let him whip me with his words, till I bleed out and am nothing but empty skin and bones. I tried to fight but he was and is, so terrible and so hurtful and he knows how to hurt me the most after being with someone for 15 years he knows how to use my own values against me.

 

Least I have these left, my values are something he cannot take from me.

 

They let me know what I’m really about that I am a decent human being, that perhaps I trust to easily and love to hard, and give to others when I should be more selfish. But I am glad that I have these morals and values.

 

The choice was death or leave the marriage.

 

And I choose to live.

 

50/50

I smile again, I love life again, and I’m silly again. Go on crazy adventures backpacking around Europe and meet fabulous and interesting people.

Sometimes I’m back to my silly self doing crazy things, laughing at my own stupidity for just doing something dumb. Going to new counties, appreciating just going to the beach and doing nothing or eating an amazing custard pastry in some tiny little random Spanish village. Spending a Saturday morning drinking a good coffee while reading the newspaper, before starting the day.

But the other part of me wonders if I can ever love again like that, can I ever give myself so fully to another human and be there and do everything for that person.

I now understand why some people choose to never move on, the pain and the risk of suffering such pain again. And trying to figure out can you love someone like that again.

Best Friend

I loved my husband when I married him, that was the happiest day of my life marrying my best friend. I stood by him through hard times unemployment, sickness and uncertainty.

After leaving him it was still hard to stop caring for him, though he has made it easier by continuing to put me down and belittle me.

Hard to not pay his fees for the clubs we where both members off, hard to not write both our names on the baby cards of our friends.

Perhaps sometimes trying so hard, has it down side, someone who tried so hard after his unemployment that he worked when he should have rested, resulting in food poisoning, fainting, fractured skill and a hospital stay and months of work.

Where is the lovely person I married, how did they just disappear into thin air. How can when all the crazy things we used to do be so safe and a simple Euro star business trip to another European county mean the person I married is wiped off the face of the earth forever,  that my soul mate no longer exists.

The End

Today I am so thankful for my best friends I love how they can understand exactly how I’m feeling.  And appreciate all the support and love they give me, they are wonderful women.

I have never once regretted leaving my husband, my life was so terrible with him that when it finally came to the end, to that one final chance of can we fix this and yet again he put me down, belittled me and made me feel like a piece of human garbage.

It was the final straw that he was never going to change; I had put up with and wasted too many years already being his PA and his verbal punching bag. Life with him, when I felt I had given everything till there was literally nothing more left of me, he had taken it, used it, sucked all the life out and then spat it out like a piece of chewing gum that has been chewed for far too long.

To all the married people who told me it will get better, you will have to start from the beginning again, yes I will and I have but while starting over is scary. It’s also about new beginnings and being able to think about what you really want in life, now that you understand more what the options really are and what you really want and need. So its also about new beginnings.

Each person has to work out what's right for them, no one else can tell you what is right for you, because they haven’t lived in your shoes and you will find it.

It’s hard to tell people that my marriage is over, that I’m in the middle of my divorce. Not just because its hard but also, because mostly they say I’m sorry to hear that your marriage has ended, but for me my life was so terrible in my marriage that I’m not sad to be out of that terrible place, I’m glad to be alive and no longer dieing a slow death.